Okay, don’t let the name fool you-this is a GREAT book. That is, if you have any sort of sense of humor. If you don’t...weeeeell, you’ll probably not understand anything in this book and will probably have a horrible life, just sayin.
This book was written by Brandon Sanderson and is one of my favorites (if you don’t agree after reading it I’m disowning you).
So basically all you need to know is:
-Librarians are EEEEvil
-Everything you know about history is a lie
-your maps of the world are lies
-this is NOT a fictional book even though it is listed under fictional
-People with glasses are either evil, crazy, or a Smedry (which is pretty much the same thing as crazy)
-Authors are EEEEvil
-do not underestimate sand
-Smedrys are great at drawing fire (like, gunfire, and laser fire, and bombs, and anything else that wants to kill you or put you in a coma….).
-DO NOT SKIP TO THE BACK OF THE BOOK THE WORLD WILL END IF YOU DO.
So in short this series is about and written by Alcatraz Smedry, who likes to burn down his foster parents’ prized kitchens….(yes I know this sounds bad, but it’s not really as bad as all that). Anyway, this book is humorous, interesting (these two things pretty much go hand in hand), well written and made me really want to be a Smedry… so…. If you haven't read it, read it NOW!
Just recently my older brother introduced me to the books and I listened to them as audio books (The voice actor for these books on Audible is AMAZING-this was also the first audio book i’ve ever listened to, one day I plan to get the actual books so I can set them on my book shelf because there is nothing better than standing back and looking at a freshly stocked bookshelf).
But really, don’t judge this book by it’s name or cover (well actually those are a good example of the atmosphere of the story-but still, don’t let it stop you from reading them). When my older brother (who is 18) first mentioned the books to me I wasn't too sure about it… It sounded like some weird book but he insisted that it was really good and I would like it. So I listened to it, and WHOA, now I’m a fan (actually the Alcatraz won me over during the first few paragraphs).
So my all time favorite people are Alcatraz Smedry, Kazan Smedry, Grandpa Smedry, Bastille, and Aydee Smedry (we’ve got the same talent!-you have to read the books to understand!).
I really really suuuper really don’t like that one Smedry who did that thing and then went and ended that person, and totally did a lot of stuff (read all the books and then come back and tell me who this guy is! ).
Anyway, on with the quotes! Because I really like quotes! :
“By now, it is probably very late at night, and you have stayed up to read this book when you should have gone to sleep. If this is the case, then I commend you for falling into my trap. It is a writer's greatest pleasure to hear that someone was kept up until the unholy hours of the morning reading one of his books. It goes back to authors being terrible people who delight in the suffering of others. Plus, we get a kickback from the caffeine industry...”
“Authors also create lovable, friendly characters, then proceed to do terrible things to them, like throw them in unsightly librarian-controlled dungeons. This makes readers feel hurt and worried for the characters. The simple truth is that authors like making people squirm. If this weren't the case, all novels would be filled completely with cute bunnies having birthday parties.”
“Remember, despite the fact that this book is being sold as a 'fantasy' novel, you must take all of the things it says extremely seriously, as they are quite important, are in no way silly, and always make sense.
“Hey!' I called with an annoyed voice. 'Charles!'
The little Pteradactyl looked up. 'Ah, my good friend!'
'What about the chaos?' I demanded.
'Done!' Charles said.
'We each moved six books out of their proper places,' called George the Stegosaurus. 'It will take them days to find them all and put them back.'
'Though we did put them into place backward,' Charles said. 'You know, so they could be seen more easily. We wouldn't want it to be too hard.'
'Too hard?' I asked, stupefied. 'Charles, these are the people who were going to kill you and bury your bones in an archaeological dig!'
'Well, that's no reason to be uncivilized!' Charles said.”
Kaz is awesome, we short people got ta stick together! -ME
SOME POINTS FROM THE LIST OF REASONS WHY SHORT PEOPLE ARE BETTER THAN TALL PEOPLE:
1. Don't argue with the short person. He's always right
15. Short people make smaller targets.
28. Short people can find things easier and follow trails better because they are closer to the ground.
47. Tall people's heads are in thinner atmosphere, causing oxygen deprivation, which causes their brains to not work as well as short people's.
56.5. Short people know when to stay on the ground (and avoid scary extreme heights)
63. If everyone were short, ceilings could be lower, thereby lowering building costs.
82. When short people plummet to their doom, they don't fall as far.
127. Short people have smaller bodies, but regular-sized hearts, so their heart-to-flesh ratio is larger, making them more compassionate.
236. Short people are more humble.
257. A tall person can shield you from dragon breath.
unknown #. Short people are better because it takes them longer to walk places, therefore they get more exercise.
“Somebody tell me that I should just go speak to the kings again."
"uh," Sing said, "didn't I just do that?"
"I need to hear it again, Sing," Grandpa Smedry said. "I'm old and stubborn!”
- Brandon Sanderson, Alcatraz Versus the Knights of Crystallia
So yep! I really enjoyed Brandon’s humorous and silly, yet meaningful story and I hope you did/do too!
Have you read the Alcatraz books? Or maybe you will be soon?
A final message to you.....
“Unfortunately, I know that some of you Hushlanders have trouble counting to three. (The Librarian- controlled schools don't want you to be able to manage complex mathematics.) So I've prepared this helpful guide.
Definition of "book one": The best place to start a series. You can identify "book one" by the fact that it has a little "1" on the spine. Smedrys do a happy dance when you read book one first. Entropy shakes its angry fist at you for being clever enough to organize the world.
Definition of "book two": The book you read after book one. If you start with book two, I will make fun of you. (Okay, so I'll make fun of you either way. But honestly, do you want to give me more ammunition?)
Definition of "book three": The worst place, currently, to start a series. If you start here, I will throw things at you.
Definition of "book four": And . . . how'd you manage to start with that one? I haven't even written it yet. (You sneaky time travelers.)”
-Brandon Sanderson, Alcatraz Versus the Knights of Crystallia
NOTE: The comments are currently not working-I am looking into it and hope to have it solved asap! Thanks!
A daughter of the KING, an ambassador of Truth, a soldier of the Cross.